Heart Break.... Our First ultrasound!

I can not , I just ....

How do you sit here and stay positive and pretend that everything is going to be okay?

How do I type or say those words?....

Today during my  first ultrasound with this little one. At 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. 

What was shown was not what I expected to see at all. 

There was no baby to be seen. There was pools of blood all over. ( No I have not been bleeding. sense my threatened miscarriage )

The ultrasound tech was amazing and supportive. Through the tears I tried to understand what she was saying. 

The baby could not at this time be found. I have a possible Ectopic pregnancy. Which is a tubal pregnancy. meaning the baby implanted out of of my uterus. 

They could not tell what was going on but they had taken blood and now all I can do sit here and wait for the results. 

If the blood test shows that my numbers are getting higher then the Doctor said that it is an ectopic pregnancy. 

I could not control myself I kept it together long enough to get into my car and call my husband and best friend. 

In that moment there was nothing that I could do to keep calm. I bawled my eyes out to the point that I almost made myself sick. Listening to my best friend speak to me as if nothing was wrong in the world. Until I could not keep it together anymore. Tears fell down my face as I knew the dam was about to break again. Trying so hard to clearly speak to her. Telling her that they pretty much said that the baby is gone. 

We prayed for this baby for so long, after losing a baby a month before our surprise of a life time to get a positive. When my husband kept making jokes about my going through pre menopause. ( he thought it was funny  but fails to understand just how unfunny it really was... ugh men! )

Our surprise baby was not meant to be ....

 They want me to take medicine to kill the baby before the baby kills me. However I can not do that. I can not kill my baby, I just can't. 

I know that God would not want me to kill my baby. That it is in his hands to care for me and get me and my family through this hard time. 

Excited To Be Pregnant! Update!

         I honestly am so excited even after the fear of losing our little one. I think it is okay to be excited about being pregnant and about the baby. 

      We have gone through so much this year we all need a renewed faith in God and the world. Watching my tummy grow  and taking picture of my growing tummy. I am larger than I was even at 6 month pregnant with my other kids. at only 5 or 6 weeks I have never been so large. I know my body changes as we get older and it has been 10/9 years sense my children were born and I was a twig back then. However my tummy is huge! in my opinion. Yet ever time I see it, it is awesome. It warms my heart to know that my baby is going strong and growing the way he or she should be. 

I am so excited that after all of the heartache and pain that at last we are going to be having another little one. We prayed so hard for this baby and I can only hope that this baby sticks. 

I know that I just have to take it easy and pray that this little one makes it the this world and has a very happy long life.

Right now all I want is a steak, and chocolate milk. I am  a picky eater which I can't say if I was before pregnancy or not. I wasn't that I remember however in the past few weeks I know that I am very forgetful. 

Pregnancy Brain is a real thing!

I have forgotten my handbag in the oddest places I would have never forgotten it before. If it wasn't for my kids and my husband I honestly have no idea where or how many times I would  have ended up with a stolen bag and Lord only knows what else. 

So far this pregnancy is not like any of my others. I don't remember all these symptoms before. I do not think I went through all of this in the past. However as long as the end result is a happy and healthy baby. That is truly all that matter. 

#LifeAfterThreatenedMiscarriage 

Infertility Problems After Mirena

  October 2006 .... I thought I was doing what was best for me and my life at the time. I knew I wouldnt be have sex. However I also knew after what I had been though in the past I didnt want to risk getting pregnant. 

At the time I was only thinking about my kids and myself. I felt like I couldnt do what was best for us at the same time as what was best for my soul. 

I was young and stupid 

 I found out about a new  birth control option and Lord I wish I had the power and to go back in time. I would find myself and slap the snot out of me because that decision to get a 

Mirena IUD!

That was the stupidest thing I felt I have ever in my life done. 

For the 7 years I had my Mirena IUD in I was in pain, I had cyst

all the time. I felt sick and pregnant for weeks at a time. 

I knew that it was the wrong thing for me, I knew that I should have had it taken out and never put back in ever again. However I didnt listen to myself.

I was scared to death that I would end up with another baby by a dead beat loser who wouldnt help me with anything much less the kids. 

Now a year after I had it taken out I still sit here trying to figure out

Why I cant get pregnant. Why after all mine and my husbands efforts to conceive a baby. 

Still no baby to speak of. We have had miscarriages and heartache and tear oh lord all the tears we have had. 

Now I find myself praying every month hopefully that the test will say positive or that the little line even if its not bright as can be that it will be there for all to see. 

I didnt know the side effects when I got the Mirena, I didnt know everything I wish I would have known but now I know. Now I vow to never in my life time to back on birth control for I know the truth behind it. I know that it hurt my body my mind and my soul on so many different levels. I cant never take it back but Lord I pray that the other people out there do their home work. 

I hope they truly know what they are getting into and the pain they could have in the future if they ever try to get  or want to get pregnant. 

I thought it was the right thing to do until I found the amazing man who would be my husband. 

The man I knew would be the right person to have a family with. 

After years of searching and praying he at last came into my life and here we are.... facing the truth that me might never get to have a child. That our two kids might be our own unless we want to adopt and spend $1000's of dollars on the adoption process. I know Im not alone however its heart breaking

to sit here looking at all these females who are blessed enough to get pregnant. 

It seems like everyone I know is getting pregnant and Im sitting here trying to keep myself from crying like a toddler. 

I never thought this would happen to me. I thought we would be able to have kids when ever we were ready. When ever we wanted to be able to have kids. Thats how all of these commercials for Mirena make it out. They make people believe that they have the freedom to choose and take the IUD out when ever they want to. 

They fail to tell everyone that you might not be able to have kids. You might struggle like we are to try to keep a pregnancy or event o get pregnant at all. 

Do your homework , ask around, google it and talk to your doctor and other doctors for that matter. 

If you ever want to have kids.... Mirena is NOT that birth control you should be using. Im not saying this as Catholic I am saying this as a female who is facing the truth of the matter that my struggle shouldnt be your struggle. 

Check out these links before you get a 

MIRENA IUD

Kelly Martin Speaks