Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts

Sunday, August 5, 2018

The Search For Me With 23andMe


Saturday, January 10th, 1987

The day that started and changed everything for me.
It is where I started and where all of the lies and questions began to form.

Saturday, January 10th, 1987 was the day I was born.

From that moment on, every breath I would take and every moment I got I had to fight for. Not only from the normal things but from being a 35 weeker who was born about 4 pounds. A Mother who was a drug addict, with serious daddy issues. Who felt having kids would keep what ever man in her life. A woman who knew nothing of what it truly meant to be a mother to any of the children she birthed.

I fought to get a sense of myself and who I am  from a very young age. Feeling like everything I knew or thought I knew about my family was just more and more lies. As the years have gone by I have learned that the foundation of my " family. " Was based on lies that we were all told by my Grandmother, Mother and Father. To put it simply my grandmother was never married to my grandfather. He was married to another women in another state and had children with her. He was married to her until the day he died. ( before I was born ) This simple fact changed the way I seen my grandmother, not that I had a high opinion of her to start with. That fact explained so much for me about why my family was so small compared to the ones I grew up with. There was no family beyond my grandmother, my mother and her two sisters and older brother ( who lived in another state and we never got to see ) It explained why my grandmother wouldn't answer questions and why I had only seen a picture of my grand father once in my life. It explained why I have never gotten to meet any of the Rogers family that I was part of.

My mother was married to my father for years and he was around here and there. We spend a few summers with him but he was never a real dad. Never like the ones everyone else seemed to have nor was he like the step fathers and other men in my mothers life who seemed to come and go. He was there when he was there and not when he was not and that is just that. The information I know about his family is based on lies I am sure. My mother says that he put himself up for adoption, changed his name from what it once was and from there split from his adopted family. He has no relationship to anyone really from the way he tells it and that was a fight to get out of him as it was. He would rather cut his children out of his life instead of telling any of the 6 or 7 of us about our own family. I was always told he was Italian but that is all I know about him.

A few years ago I decided to really dig deep into where I am from and started researching. At which time I found out that my Grand father on my mothers side had yet another child ( number 11 ) in yet another state with another lady. Who was younger than my mother who was said to be his youngest child. I know that the Rogers family lives in West VA and that they have a family reunion every year. However my bio mother and other family I have no relationship with attends every year and that is why I am not ever going to get an invite. I found out that one of my great great ( many greats ) grand fathers was a Captin during the American Revolution. I started the search of proof for what I need to join the DAR ( Daughters of the American Revolution, an amazing non profit group ) In hopes that I can join and not only volunteer but find out more about my family.

I also found out that my Great grand father  Charles Rogers ( like 5 times to that great or maybe 4 )  came to American from Ireland. For what reason I am unsure as there seem to be a few different stories out there. But anyhow I know nothing really other than what I have found on different family tree websites along with a full family tree for the Rogers family leading all the way back to Charles Rogers but that is where I his a brick wall.

When it comes to my grandmothers side of the family on my mothers side I know pretty much nothing beyond my grand mothers maiden name.

.... So with all of this information I prayed for years about what to do and how I might have a chance at finding more answers. With hardly any information I know that this is very hard to do and I haven't known where to turn to next.

Well that is up until July 16th 2018 when I took a huge step that I have thought and prayed about many many times. I bought the 23andMe DNA and health test to find out if it is possible to find more information with out my family helping me.






On July 22nd, 2018 ( yes a Sunday because it was harder to send it than I thought. ) My amazing oldest daughter helped me by dropping it in the ' big blue thing. ' It was harder to take this step for me not because I don't want to know. It is because I am scared to death about it being another road block to  the answers I crave. I know that sounds so silly but I know not everyone has family members pop up on there. I also know some people have had issues getting results to find out what regions they are from. But here I am sitting and waiting for these results. I am about a week into the waiting process and it freaking sucks!




From what I have read this process can take any where from 6 to 8 weeks on average but I know that some people have had results in a less as 3 weeks. I of course am trying not to get my hopes up too much but it's hard to not get hopeful for early results. I am at the 1st green dot (2nd if your on a laptop but 1st on my cell ) as of this moment where they have not yet gotten my little box. ( Y'all the tracking number is pointless at this point when the updates from the USPS are total crap just saying it went from one place to the next but no longer say where the place is located. )

So that is where I am at and I will update as this process moves along. In hopes that I get some answers to the questions I have always had.

** Update so they are updating something and it will take even longer to get my results. That just not what anyone wants to wake up and read. When they are waiting on results that can answer so many questions they have asked all their lives. However at least I know that at some point I will get my results... maybe .... I think at least but it has felt like forever since I sent this little box off.  **



( all pictures used on this post are my property, do not use these pictures with out first getting written consent from me. )









Sunday, October 9, 2016

Motherhood is?

Motherhood is

Loving someone more than you ever thought you could. 
Cleaning up after your children. 
Giving birth to a baby / child. 
Adopting a baby /child.
Crying your eyes out at 3am because the baby will not go back to sleep. 
Walking around scared that the world would judge you.
Not caring if the world judges you. 
Playing in the rain.
Cleaning dirty butts.
Repeating  you self 100 times and still they don't listen.
Waking up early just to drink your coffee in silence.

.....

Motherhood is so many different things, it is everything, and nothing all at the same time.

Yet there is one thing that no one ever tells you before you have or adopt your baby/child. 

IT'S OKAY TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING!

I don't know what I am doing, none of us really know what we are doing. 

Lets be honest about it. We are all walking around blind as a bat. Searching for answers and holding our breathe hopeful that we are doing the right thing. 
We read all the books, ask every mom group we are in on facebook. 
Read every blog we can find and all for what?
To find out 
that we are in fact good parents. No matter how much the world tells us we aren't.
Our kids are clean, our house is .... " lived in " there is food in our cabnets, and juice in the fridge. 
Our kids aren't perfect by any means but they are ours. 
It doesn't matter if we home school, send out kids to public school/ private school. 
We see that they are crazy but are learning to be good people. 
We are tired.... no that's a lie honestly. We are beyond tired! 
We are....
Cleaning, cooking, baking, running every where, never getting a moment to our selves. Recleaning the whole house because the kids were playing. Laundry is every where, your hair is in a messy bun. Nanny paying, business running, yoga pants loving. Business suit wearing, nail doing, hair pulling....
Every single thing we do no matter how different we do it. 
It is all part of the crazy, fun, loving wonderful, beautiful 

MOTHERHOOD! 

It doesn't have to be the same as anyone else. How our children get there isn't what matters. 
It's that they become happy,  healthy hopefully productive adults. Now that is all that matters.
The tears of joy when they graduate high school or the rough nights where your sitting in your living room. Crying and questioning how you can do it on your own. 
No matter what stage of life you are in. It's all motherhood and you need to know that sweetie you are never alone. 
We are here for you, every single ones of us have been there at some point. 
Maybe not in the same way but that's what makes our journey our own.