Leaving The Hospital.... With Out Our Baby

Waking up today from the few hours of sleep I was able to get has been so difficult. My heart is breaking more with every passing second. I know today will forever scar my heart and change how I personally see motherhood. 

Sitting here all I could think about was....

When I had my first baby I was 18 years old and I can honestly say I had no idea what motherhood was. I never understood that feeling of motherhood. I thought that it was something like loving protecting and parenting a baby into childhood and adulthood. 

But in that moment I knew what motherhood was. 

Motherhood was all the moments

The Good days 

The bad days

The crazy never got any sleep  but I have to get up and make my older two kids breakfast.

While being out of coffee and the baby is screaming his head off. 

And all of the little moments in between.

However I don't feel like a mother right now, I know I should but I don't. 

I feel heart Broken that I am going to have to leave my sweet newborn baby boy here all lone. Heart broken that I will be stuck here waiting on a doctor to tell me when we will get to be a whole family. 

Though I know that this is not my fault I still think it is, I still blame myself for his being born early. 
I should have done something, mentally stopped my labor. 
I know once labor starts there is nothing that can be done really. 
I just wish I could take it back, I wish that I could get in a time machine and put my baby back in where I know he was safe and happy. 

Sadly that isn't how it works and Emlyn will have to stay here in the NICU where even though I know he will be safe. It is not the same as him being home with us and being taken care of by his family. 

I have to breathe deep and try as hard as I can to keep the tears from rolling out of my eyes and flooding the whole place. I know this doesn't make me a bad mom. 
It makes me a Preemie mom and it honestly sucks all the way around. There is no happiness when hes not in my arms. There is just pain and guilt of not being there with him.
I can't even describe just how heartbreaking and awful it is to walk through the doors of the birthing center with out your baby. Watching other families load there new born babies in their cars. As they take there first trip home as a family. 
I tried to keep it together as I am not one to fall apart in public. The moment I hit the seat of the car I totally broke down in tears. Crying my eyes out the whole hour it took us to get home. Then once again crying my eyes out many times through out the hours until I was able to have my baby back in my arms.  
But I have two older kids and a husband and I am going to sit here and put Emlyn's things together every night.
Wash his little baby clothes and match his tiny baby socks. Because I know that I have to get things ready. As hard as it  has been I need to do this for him. So that everything is all ready for when the doctors say he is ready to come home with us.  I know I am lucky that my baby is still living after the losses we have faced this year. So tonight I will count my blessings and hold my breathe until I can hold my sweet baby boy again in the morning.
 If you are not a preemie please count your blessings, and please if you know anyone who has a preemie. Reach out to them and hug them when you see them. Because this is a very difficult thing to go through.

Our 34 weeker! .... Emlyn's birth and the first hours of life.

Hey Y'all

It has been a while since I posted anything and  I love all the emails I have gotten. 

The prayers and things letting us know we are in yalls prayers have been so heart warming. 

For those who don't know here is an update on what has been going on with us. 

On July 2nd 2016, 

My in laws came over to our house to bring us all of the baby gear that they had been buying for us. 

Tons of baby things that I didn't think I needed but oh boy was I happy that I would have for our little man. 

I kept having contractions and my mother in law jokingly said " Oh it's not contractions you just need to sit down ." 

They headed out about 9:30pm to go home and I was still having the contractions. 

( Though I have had them for months so I didn't think much of it. )

Well I should have taken that time to pack the hospital bag that I had been putting off. 

At around 10:30 pm I was in bed trying to fall asleep when  I felt a small amount of fluid come out of ... me. 

My first thought was

MY WATER BROKE! AHH Gotta get off of

my bed so it doesnt mess up our bed!

I have never had my water break like this before but I knew I didn't want to mess up our bed. 

We called my in laws and my doctor on our way to the hospital we planned to have our little boy at.

Freaking out because I was only 34 weeks along. 

I was so scared to death that he wouldn't be okay if he came so early.

My doctor was OUT OF TOWN of course.

So I knew the on call Doctor would become my new best friend. 

It was storming like crazy like it tends to do in Kansas. 

My husband and kids were all freaking out with me that the baby would come too early.

We got to the Birth Center and at that point I thought to myself... of so here we are. They will get me set up and do the Csection tonight I'm sure.

After an hour if that of being watched  they told me that 

I would get one shot to help with the babys lungs.

Then they would be moving me to a room where I would be waiting 2 to 3 days before they would do the c section. 

I was freaking out, knowing how dangerous it was to wait after the water has broken and that could cause infections.

But at least I would be here and we would both be okay.

However that wasn't Emlyn's plan at ALL!

I was moved upstairs to my room ( about 5 am ), my kids left with my mother ( step mom ) and father in law. My other mother in law ( hubbys bio mom ) had all 3 made a plan to care for our older two kids while I was in the hospital. 

With in 15 minutes I was having full blown contractions.

The most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. 

I couldn't breath, think or anything. I just knew to keep trying to breathe through them as much as I could. 

The Nurse kept telling me how great I was doing with those crazy contractions. 

Mean while my wonderful husband who had worked all night the night before and was awake all day with us. 

Was passed out cold. I would wake him up and he would just fall back asleep again. 

At last the on call doctor rushed in and told me that I was going to be taken back to the O.R with in 30 minutes. 

That was is .... Emlyn was coming no matter what anyone wanted. 

No matter how early it was and how scared I was. 

At 6:46 am I was heading to the Operating room for my c section. 6 weeks early.

By 7:10 my hubby was in there by my side trying to keep me calm and I was telling him just how " okay I was. " Even know I knew it was a lie. I was freaking out, feeling light headed like I was about to pass out.

at 7:16am we heard the most beautiful sound....

Emlyn gave a big cry. 

I thought for a slight second that it was all going to be okay at last.

That the worst was behind us and now we could start our lives as a family of 5. 

But the picture in my head didnt match up with what would happen. 

Emlyn was born with the corn wrapped around his throat. 

He was having trouble breathing.

His heart rate kept dropping and that was just the start of it.

by the time I was making my way out of the recovery room that we spent the first 2 hours in. 

Emlyn was making his way to our room with me.... for the first few moments of being in the room at least. 

Then he was taken out to head to the Nursery with my husband and the nurses. 

From there he was no doing any better with breathing and his heart rate so they took him to the NICU.

and from there our NICU journey started with our 

6 pound 14 ounce 

34 weeker!