Heart Break.... Our First ultrasound!

I can not , I just ....

How do you sit here and stay positive and pretend that everything is going to be okay?

How do I type or say those words?....

Today during my  first ultrasound with this little one. At 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. 

What was shown was not what I expected to see at all. 

There was no baby to be seen. There was pools of blood all over. ( No I have not been bleeding. sense my threatened miscarriage )

The ultrasound tech was amazing and supportive. Through the tears I tried to understand what she was saying. 

The baby could not at this time be found. I have a possible Ectopic pregnancy. Which is a tubal pregnancy. meaning the baby implanted out of of my uterus. 

They could not tell what was going on but they had taken blood and now all I can do sit here and wait for the results. 

If the blood test shows that my numbers are getting higher then the Doctor said that it is an ectopic pregnancy. 

I could not control myself I kept it together long enough to get into my car and call my husband and best friend. 

In that moment there was nothing that I could do to keep calm. I bawled my eyes out to the point that I almost made myself sick. Listening to my best friend speak to me as if nothing was wrong in the world. Until I could not keep it together anymore. Tears fell down my face as I knew the dam was about to break again. Trying so hard to clearly speak to her. Telling her that they pretty much said that the baby is gone. 

We prayed for this baby for so long, after losing a baby a month before our surprise of a life time to get a positive. When my husband kept making jokes about my going through pre menopause. ( he thought it was funny  but fails to understand just how unfunny it really was... ugh men! )

Our surprise baby was not meant to be ....

 They want me to take medicine to kill the baby before the baby kills me. However I can not do that. I can not kill my baby, I just can't. 

I know that God would not want me to kill my baby. That it is in his hands to care for me and get me and my family through this hard time. 

Pregnancy Symptoms I Have Been Having!

I know that there is always a lot of talk about pregnancy symptoms! 

I am just like every other woman trying to get pregnant and hopefully stay pregnant with my little one. ( at this point everything is looking great! )

So here is the list of mine thus far with this pregnancy!

1. Awful cramping, that turned out to be implantation cramping which I am now very blessed to have been through. ( 6 days past ovulation ) no bleeding!

2." School glue " Cervical mucus

3. My boobies hurt so bad and the real pain was from my nipples. so tender breast is a real thing I never had when I was younger. 

4. I became " that person " I checked my cervix and it was medium height, firm like the tip of my nose and closed. 

4. I had a slight fever of about 99'f, degrees that stayed there from the day I ovulated. ( I checked it at 6 pm every day. )

5. Hot flashes! OMG I am hot one second and cold the next. my poor kids are here dealing with my turning the heat and AC off and on. All through out the day. ( started about 6 dpo the day the egg made its home in my uterus. )

6. Slight on again and off again cramping for days

7. At about 9 days past ovulation and the day before I decided to test. I had backaches. in my lower back. 

8. Getting sick! I started getting sick about  9

dpo

and 

10. at LAST I tested at 10 days past ovulation. not because I thought I was pregnant. Sense we just had a miscarriage and we were not trying this month. I tested because my husband had jokes! 

He told me I was going through " pre mentopause " which made me so MAD that I tested and to my SHOCK! The test was positive!

looking back no I also know that had a few others as well. 

About 7 days past ovulation I kept feeling like I was peeing myself or maybe my period was starting. but it was only clear Cervical mucus. and that kept on until I was at the point I am right now. Just at 6 weeks pregnant. 

Nausea was something I felt off and on during the two week wait in the past when I was not pregnant so I never counted that as a clue. 

I was clearly VERY bloated but for me that was normal right before my period was going to start so again I just did not count that. 

I was so tired all of the time. However I am always so tired. 

At this point I wish I knew then what I know now and for our future babies I will be looking out for these signs. 

I hope this helps some of y'all out!

Baby Dust and  Healthy and Happy Pregnancy to Everyone! 

Excited To Be Pregnant! Update!

         I honestly am so excited even after the fear of losing our little one. I think it is okay to be excited about being pregnant and about the baby. 

      We have gone through so much this year we all need a renewed faith in God and the world. Watching my tummy grow  and taking picture of my growing tummy. I am larger than I was even at 6 month pregnant with my other kids. at only 5 or 6 weeks I have never been so large. I know my body changes as we get older and it has been 10/9 years sense my children were born and I was a twig back then. However my tummy is huge! in my opinion. Yet ever time I see it, it is awesome. It warms my heart to know that my baby is going strong and growing the way he or she should be. 

I am so excited that after all of the heartache and pain that at last we are going to be having another little one. We prayed so hard for this baby and I can only hope that this baby sticks. 

I know that I just have to take it easy and pray that this little one makes it the this world and has a very happy long life.

Right now all I want is a steak, and chocolate milk. I am  a picky eater which I can't say if I was before pregnancy or not. I wasn't that I remember however in the past few weeks I know that I am very forgetful. 

Pregnancy Brain is a real thing!

I have forgotten my handbag in the oddest places I would have never forgotten it before. If it wasn't for my kids and my husband I honestly have no idea where or how many times I would  have ended up with a stolen bag and Lord only knows what else. 

So far this pregnancy is not like any of my others. I don't remember all these symptoms before. I do not think I went through all of this in the past. However as long as the end result is a happy and healthy baby. That is truly all that matter. 

#LifeAfterThreatenedMiscarriage 

Threatened Miscarriage .... a newly pregnant woman's fears come to light

      

        I never thought I would hear those words .... not in a million years. I never knew that it was even a " thing " that could happen. 

       Saturday September 5th 2015 I found myself sitting in the waiting room of an ER. Wishing and praying that they would make it all better. My little family was taking a trip to a theme park in Kansas City. Just something fun for us to do all together even though we had just found out that we are expecting another little one. Thus I would not be riding any rides I was only along for the ride and the food. lol  

      My husband so sweetly decided we would go out to lunch after they had road all the rides at the theme park. Sadly that is when everything went oh so very wrong for the baby and I at least. I went into the restroom after feeling slight cramps all day. What I found was honestly one of the times I could feel all my fears coming to life. I found that I was in fact bleeding, not a lot of blood and not bright red blood but enough to scare me. I told my husband and we decided to make a trip to the ER to check on our little one. As we do not yet have a Doctor. 

      After what seemed like forever after we had been taken to the back. All of the test were run and we were waiting on one last thing to finish the work up. An ultrasound to be done so we could " see " our little one. Knowing that we would not be able to see our little one because it was way too early. I was only 3 weeks and 6 days. What we found out was NOT what we thought we would hear. I felt like maybe I was going through a miscarriage again. Maybe if I was lucky the baby would be okay but I honestly did not think that was going to be how it ended. 

     By the grace of God we found out that even though we couldn't see the baby. That I was in fact pregnant however my Hcg levels were very low for how far I was. That lucky for me the bleeding had stopped however they did not know what was going on. They could not tell me if I was in fact losing my baby or not. 
All they could tell me is that I had what they called a " Threatened Miscarriage ." Which is pretty much my body telling me either to slow down or that I am about to lose my baby. 

     They gave me a list of things to do and not to do however I just. I don't understand what happens honestly I just know that in the end I will be spending my days waiting and praying for a blessing. I know that the doctor told me to come back if I can't get into the OBGYN that they are sending me to. That in 3 days I have to have a repeat blood screening done and ultra sound done to see if I lose my baby or not. That if the pain gets worse or the bleeding comes back that I need to go to the ER. 

    Then they sent me on my way and that was it. I just had to go home, try not to stress and wait to see what God has planned. I do not know how to wait. I have never been good at the waiting game so I have been trying to spend my time sleeping and watching tv. Thank God my husband is home for a few days to spend time with me so he is here to help. Deal with the kids and all of the house work. Lucky for him I keep a pretty clean house so there is not much to do but feed the kids and dog. Which for him means that he gets to order food and his problem is solved. 

     .... What I want all of you amazing ladies to know right now is that. I understand what you are going through. I am here for you through every day no matter what you are going through. I have been through a lot in my life time but I know that my baby's life is in Gods hands right now. I know that I will live a stress free life, that I will sit down as much as I can through out the day and I relax and enjoy every day that I have with my little baby every second of every day. 

       The thing that the Doctors don't tell us is that many females go through this. Many females have " Threatened Miscarriages " and they go on to have healthy happy pregnancies. Just because your body is freaking out does not mean that you have to give up on your baby. It means that with some luck every thing will be okay. However if it does not go as planned it is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently in order to say your baby. Please don't blame your self , I know I am not the first to say this and I will not be the last. However I know because I know I feel like I am to blame for this on my own life. I just have to keep telling myself that I didn't do this. That I couldn't have stopped it no matter what I did and now comes the awful part of waiting. 

                                                  Be Strong Ladies!

( P.S my hcg levels were 22 at 3 weeks 6 days )