Waking up today from the few hours of sleep I was able to get has been so difficult. My heart is breaking more with every passing second. I know today will forever scar my heart and change how I personally see motherhood.
Sitting here all I could think about was....
When I had my first baby I was 18 years old and I can honestly say I had no idea what motherhood was. I never understood that feeling of motherhood. I thought that it was something like loving protecting and parenting a baby into childhood and adulthood.
But in that moment I knew what motherhood was.
Motherhood was all the moments
The Good days
The bad days
The crazy never got any sleep but I have to get up and make my older two kids breakfast.
While being out of coffee and the baby is screaming his head off.
And all of the little moments in between.
However I don't feel like a mother right now, I know I should but I don't.
I feel heart Broken that I am going to have to leave my sweet newborn baby boy here all lone. Heart broken that I will be stuck here waiting on a doctor to tell me when we will get to be a whole family.
Though I know that this is not my fault I still think it is, I still blame myself for his being born early.
I should have done something, mentally stopped my labor.
I know once labor starts there is nothing that can be done really.
I just wish I could take it back, I wish that I could get in a time machine and put my baby back in where I know he was safe and happy.
Sadly that isn't how it works and Emlyn will have to stay here in the NICU where even though I know he will be safe. It is not the same as him being home with us and being taken care of by his family.
I have to breathe deep and try as hard as I can to keep the tears from rolling out of my eyes and flooding the whole place. I know this doesn't make me a bad mom.
It makes me a Preemie mom and it honestly sucks all the way around. There is no happiness when hes not in my arms. There is just pain and guilt of not being there with him.
I can't even describe just how heartbreaking and awful it is to walk through the doors of the birthing center with out your baby. Watching other families load there new born babies in their cars. As they take there first trip home as a family.
I tried to keep it together as I am not one to fall apart in public. The moment I hit the seat of the car I totally broke down in tears. Crying my eyes out the whole hour it took us to get home. Then once again crying my eyes out many times through out the hours until I was able to have my baby back in my arms.
But I have two older kids and a husband and I am going to sit here and put Emlyn's things together every night.
Wash his little baby clothes and match his tiny baby socks. Because I know that I have to get things ready. As hard as it has been I need to do this for him. So that everything is all ready for when the doctors say he is ready to come home with us. I know I am lucky that my baby is still living after the losses we have faced this year. So tonight I will count my blessings and hold my breathe until I can hold my sweet baby boy again in the morning.
If you are not a preemie please count your blessings, and please if you know anyone who has a preemie. Reach out to them and hug them when you see them. Because this is a very difficult thing to go through.
However I don't feel like a mother right now, I know I should but I don't.
I feel heart Broken that I am going to have to leave my sweet newborn baby boy here all lone. Heart broken that I will be stuck here waiting on a doctor to tell me when we will get to be a whole family.
Though I know that this is not my fault I still think it is, I still blame myself for his being born early.
I should have done something, mentally stopped my labor.
I know once labor starts there is nothing that can be done really.
I just wish I could take it back, I wish that I could get in a time machine and put my baby back in where I know he was safe and happy.
Sadly that isn't how it works and Emlyn will have to stay here in the NICU where even though I know he will be safe. It is not the same as him being home with us and being taken care of by his family.
I have to breathe deep and try as hard as I can to keep the tears from rolling out of my eyes and flooding the whole place. I know this doesn't make me a bad mom.
It makes me a Preemie mom and it honestly sucks all the way around. There is no happiness when hes not in my arms. There is just pain and guilt of not being there with him.
I can't even describe just how heartbreaking and awful it is to walk through the doors of the birthing center with out your baby. Watching other families load there new born babies in their cars. As they take there first trip home as a family.
I tried to keep it together as I am not one to fall apart in public. The moment I hit the seat of the car I totally broke down in tears. Crying my eyes out the whole hour it took us to get home. Then once again crying my eyes out many times through out the hours until I was able to have my baby back in my arms.
But I have two older kids and a husband and I am going to sit here and put Emlyn's things together every night.
Wash his little baby clothes and match his tiny baby socks. Because I know that I have to get things ready. As hard as it has been I need to do this for him. So that everything is all ready for when the doctors say he is ready to come home with us. I know I am lucky that my baby is still living after the losses we have faced this year. So tonight I will count my blessings and hold my breathe until I can hold my sweet baby boy again in the morning.
If you are not a preemie please count your blessings, and please if you know anyone who has a preemie. Reach out to them and hug them when you see them. Because this is a very difficult thing to go through.
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