Heart Break.... Our First ultrasound!

I can not , I just ....

How do you sit here and stay positive and pretend that everything is going to be okay?

How do I type or say those words?....

Today during my  first ultrasound with this little one. At 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. 

What was shown was not what I expected to see at all. 

There was no baby to be seen. There was pools of blood all over. ( No I have not been bleeding. sense my threatened miscarriage )

The ultrasound tech was amazing and supportive. Through the tears I tried to understand what she was saying. 

The baby could not at this time be found. I have a possible Ectopic pregnancy. Which is a tubal pregnancy. meaning the baby implanted out of of my uterus. 

They could not tell what was going on but they had taken blood and now all I can do sit here and wait for the results. 

If the blood test shows that my numbers are getting higher then the Doctor said that it is an ectopic pregnancy. 

I could not control myself I kept it together long enough to get into my car and call my husband and best friend. 

In that moment there was nothing that I could do to keep calm. I bawled my eyes out to the point that I almost made myself sick. Listening to my best friend speak to me as if nothing was wrong in the world. Until I could not keep it together anymore. Tears fell down my face as I knew the dam was about to break again. Trying so hard to clearly speak to her. Telling her that they pretty much said that the baby is gone. 

We prayed for this baby for so long, after losing a baby a month before our surprise of a life time to get a positive. When my husband kept making jokes about my going through pre menopause. ( he thought it was funny  but fails to understand just how unfunny it really was... ugh men! )

Our surprise baby was not meant to be ....

 They want me to take medicine to kill the baby before the baby kills me. However I can not do that. I can not kill my baby, I just can't. 

I know that God would not want me to kill my baby. That it is in his hands to care for me and get me and my family through this hard time.