....that is the question of the day
It is a fact that A LOT of parents deal with every day who are dealing with what is referred to as " Difficult " children. Yet that is what is left at the end of the day for all of them To give up their custody of there kids to the state or for a lucky few to a family member who offers help.
I never thought this was an issue honestly, okay fine I never thought about this subject until well today. After a long few days of dealing with a question that I thought was going to be a simpler answer to a question one of my life long friends had.
After a lot of praying and thinking about it we decided that maybe the best thing for my friends child would be to come stay with us. To get the medical and all around help not only that she needs but to give her mother and step father and brother the time to get the help. That they all need and to move into a better home where they can all have their own space. The daughter is referred to as well a " difficult" child. She has some issues that she needs help with.
* Behavioral * Emotional
* Educationally
* Boundary Issues * Lying
* Stealing
* Trouble Making * Hitting * Bathing
The list goes on and on from what her mother tells me about. Issues that I knew after everything I had been through and all the parenting classes I have taken. Not to count the resources that I have at my disposal as a Military wife and on a Military base. My husband and I could help her better then the state could.
After A LOT of research we found out only after both families had decided on a date for us to drive to go pick this little girl up. That we had to go through a judge to make the Legal Guardianship officially legal by having a judge sign off on it. Where we then found out that she had to be a legal ward of the state in order for us to take custody of her. As well as in order for Tricare to allow her to get any of the help that she would get as a dependant of my husbands.
Which seems easy enough I guess however the kicker that we did not know was that. The guardianship would mean that her mother who had just at last gotten legal custody of her two children. ( though they had pretty much other then the one time in knew about had custody of her child but never got it legally ) She would have to give her custody up and make the child a ward of the state. Then and only then could we take custody of the child and get her the help that she needs.
I have been doing research and as it turns out my friend is not alone in this difficult decision. She faces the same question.
Former Congressmen Patrick Kennedy said it best
"Mental health is a separate but unequal system," Kennedy says. "We have a wasteland of people who have died and been disabled because of inadequate care."
"The USA routinely fails to provide the most basic services for people with mental illness -- something the country would never tolerate for patients with cancer or other physical disorders, Kennedy says. "
Parents are stuck trying to decide to give there custody of there children up in order for them to get the mental health care that they need. Why in a time when there are so many " programs " out there to help parents is it still okay for the child to be honestly failed. Yes I said it. We are failing the children who need us the most when we make the parents have to pick between being a parent to their children or to give the child the help they need. Where is the help for those who truly need it? Where is the government that pretends to care so much about the world but yet still fails to take care of its own?
It breaks my heart to think that in order for this child to get help that her mother has to give up the custody she worked so hard to get.
Yet here we are still faced with the same question and only really 2 options.
Give her up to the state or give her up to a Military family friend.
To care for her.
Personally I know what I as mother would decide to do. I would take my friend over the state any day of the week. Then it leads to the real questions....
Can I do it?
Can I let go and allow someone else to parent my child?
How do I take care of my other child or children?
Should I put my desire to not look like a crappy parent above all else?
How it would make me look to the rest of the world above my child's welfare?
Am I strong enough?
What will happen if I never get my child back?
What if my child loves the new home better then the one I gave her?
Will my child hate me?
Will he/she look down on me?
Will he/she see that I gave up custody out of nothing but love?
Who can I really trust?
What will my family think?
Does this make me a bad parent?
What is my child never wants to come home again?
Will this really help him/her?
Why aren't there better options out there to help us?
Are there better options in other states then there are in ours?
What are the rules for allowing someone else to parent my child?
Should I still get say in my child's life after he/she is in some one else's care?
Will the state try to take my other child ( or children ) away from me for my giving one child up to get them help?
Who can I turn to?
Where do I start?
How do I know this is the right thing for us?
What if the people I allow to help my child decides to keep him/her from me?
Do I have need to fight for my child to get them back in court?
How can I let go of a child I carried and took care of for so long?
Are there support groups out there for people going through the same type thing as I am?
Your not alone! That's the first thing that you need to know.
When you start thinking of these question and what to do ( in my opinion ) you should stop and think about only your child. Not yourself or how you feel or why you feel the way that you feel because none of that matters right now. There will be a time to be sad, a time to cry and time to get it all out but right now its only about that child.
think of this
if you think
- physical = provide shelter, food, or appropriate supervision
- emotional provide psychological care (e.g., allowing a child to ingest alcohol or drugs would be considered a form of emotional abuse)
- education = provide adequate schooling where the child is thriving and getting all the help that he or she needs every day. With resources set in place to make sure the child will keep getting the needed help no matter what kind of help that might be.
- medical = provide the necessary medical or mental health needs. Resources that must be constant. Children need the right medical care that means if they need something its already there waiting for them not that you need to fight to find help for your child. They don't have to wait months or years for someone to step up and help them get the help that they need.
- Parenting: If a parent does not know how to parent how can they every parent? Everyone need to learn the ways to parent that will not end in a awful cycle of abuse, neglect, yelling, drugs, gangs, etc There is all kinds of way to parent where you get freedom to do it your own want with out abusing your children. Just because its how your parents did it doesn't mean its the right or wrong way to parent. Take some classes, read some books and find away that works for you and your children that isn't harmful to anyone.
If you said okay maybe I'm not providing my child with what I should be in the above list then its time to change! Find resources, find support and remember that putting it off until tomorrow will not help you or your child. I know as a parent its hard to think about allowing your child to be taken care of by some one else but if there's resources out there then you should put your child's needs before your own. That's what makes a good parent. Don't allow fear to take hold of you and stop you from doing whats best for your child. Don't allow what other people think to stop you from caring for your child in the best way you can.
The above are the bases in which Social Services/ Child Protective Services looks at when they decide if a child should be removed from there parents home. Most people are against someone trying to remove their child from their care. Maybe its time we are parents start looking at it from the same point of view and start putting out children first.
( I am in NO way saying giving your child up is right however if you don't have resources its time to go find some. If you have have friend and family willing to help, give you advice then take it. )
For us well its still up in the air if the child will get the needed help, of what the answers will be but I can only pray that no matter what she gets the help she needs from where ever she gets it from. There are too many kids out there not getting the help they need. Due to a parent dealing with the worry of being looked down on or fear from all the questions listed above. Yet still we as parents have to stop thinking about our selves and start putting out kids first. The government fails us and our kids every day but maybe it time we stop sitting around waiting. For other people to take care of issues that we caused or allowed to be caused or maybe just that we have put off dealing with. Put our big girl undies on and start taking on the issues and those who should be helping the children who need it. Make a difference even if its just in one child's life because really that one child is all that matters. They can change the world but so can each one of us. It just takes us being brave enough to seek out the help that maybe someone in our past didn't bother seeking out for us.
" Being a parent means always putting your kids needs above your own, no matter how much it hurts you. "
( quotes from USA Today : http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/06/25/stigma-of-mental-illness/9875351/ )
I couldnt agree more !!!
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